Consternation in the Clubrooms – The Artificial Grass Debate
A horrified hush descended upon the clubroom where the grey brigade all sat. All eyes shift to the red shed where a myriad of shiny machinery resided awaiting human guidance for the maintenance of the natural green.
Dedicated Donald the most fastidious and experienced greenkeeper had popped off his mortal coil and was now pushing up daisies rather than pulling them up.
Eyes snap back to the self-appointed spokesperson bustling to the stage, bristling with self-importance, even she had nothing to say. A worried look was all that took.
Blue rinse and Brylcreem hairdos all aquiver awaiting the calm that only several medicinal shandies or sherries could deliver.
Way in the back a reedy voice could barely be heard, a series of ‘Whats?’ and ‘Pardons’ followed. The volume of the voice rose higher ‘What about artificial grass?’
Soon there was cacophony and a great din even cheerful Cyril had trouble cracking a grin.
‘What about tradition it must be natural?’
‘Oh the cost’
‘Will our bowls be ever the same again?’
‘It won’t last long’
A resounding crack of a well-aimed cane had them all quiet again. His hearing aid in overdrive, cranky Charles had had enough. With a voice like a thousand sour lemons, ‘One at a time please, you are all making my damn ears bleed’.
The din abruptly stopped creating an atmosphere in which one could hear a pin drop.
Time for careful consideration and out came the books for an even better, calculated look.
Even with dedicated Donald, the maintenance costs were high, the need for specialist equipment and all the care that is required.
Meddlesome Meredith the residential care curtain twitcher pipes up, a collection of eyes swivel to her.
With dramatic harrumphing her throat is clear, hearing aids on high they all strained to hear.
Taking a less than dainty slug of her brandy and ginger ale, Meredith begins.
‘Artificial grass is becoming accepted by the best bowlers, its performance is like natural grass’
‘We needn’t stop for rain; it is built for all weather play’
‘We can play on it all year round’
‘There are no lumps and bumps and allows for a consistent ball roll’
‘No specialist maintenance skills required and better yet maintenance is minimal’
‘It doesn’t mind the sun and it drains well in wet weather, I would even say it withstands the Kiwi climate quite well’
‘Once it is laid we can play on it straight away’
Each point punctuated by a bellicose burp, expelled by Joe with the claret-coloured bulbous nose that even mild-mannered Myrtle could not ignore, with a look that could freeze lava, he falls silent.
All heads were nodding so hard they might fall off. All drinking drinks that were far from soft.
A quick look at the coffers revealed a tidy sum indeed. The Eco-Lawn team is what they now need.
In the cold dawn light, a bunch of old dears, dribble out of the clubroom in various states of wear.
For once there is something they all agree upon the future of their club is far from gone.
Doesn’t your bowling green deserve the Eco-Lawn touch?
Image Courtesy – https://www.bowls.org.uk/flat-green